Sunday, December 14, 2003
just dont go back to big sur
I'm not feeling any better, so don't ask.
I sat around all day, feeling sorry for myself. I ate a lot. comfort food. Watched Glory and half of Hart's War. <-- Good Movies right there. I'm in love with Ben and Jerry's Phish Good Ice Cream. Who doesnt like caramel and marshmallow and chocolate? well i do.
My mom's getting home from her cruise 2night <3 i havent talked to her since Thursday morning. I miss her:(
So, Sadam Hussein has been captured. They got him this morning.
bout time. Only 8 months later. Gonna go watch VH1 now, cuz VH1 kicks MTV's ass.
Mood: Sulky :[
Music: The Clarks - Penny On The Floor
Posted at 9:32:42 am by x1K5E0G4o
Saturday, December 13, 2003
why am i trying to live if im just living to die
Don't tell me to put away message up saying i want to kill myself if i'm joking.. who said i was joking? no one has any idea how i feel, dont pretend you do. Everyone just do me a favor and leave me alone.
update to those of you who have no idea what im talking about:
i had a really really bad breakdown last night. You don't even know.
(1) I hate not being able to trust people, but its something i cant do anymore. I don't know if I trust anyone anymore. Everyone talks shit behind everyones back and im getting sick of it. If you talk about all your other friends do you talk about me too? I know people dont like being talked about behind their backs, and im sure you dont either, so try not to do it to other people. Yah, sometimes I do it to, i think everyone does, but im trying to make an honest attempt not to.
(2) I cant let my wall down for one second without someone saying something to piss me off. One of these days someones gonna say the wrong thing to me and I'm gonna snap. Yah, im suicidal, not something im proud of but when your depressed your depressed. I need help, you dont need to tell me that.
(3) Don't IM me online only when you want to give my sympathy. I don't need your pity. You don't seem interested in talking to me at any other point in time so don't IM me when im feeling sorry for myself. You arent helping the situation at all.
(4) I'm completly alone in this world. You may say you're always there for me but i dont think many people are at all. Those are just words to me, why dont you prove it so i can believe you. When i need people the most no ones ever there. no one.
(5) Sorry if any of this has offended you at all, im just sick of not being honest with people. People need to know what i think about them, and im ready to start standing up for myself.
I <3 the few friends I have, and this isnt directed to you. Bri, Shea, Kelley, and Jackie, thanks for actually being there and being the few people i can actually trust. I love you guys with all my heart, and i know that a couple of you know whats going on right now. Remember that I'll be here to. I'm only a phone call away or just down the road. You're always welcome to call me, day or night, no matter how shitty I'm feeling. Thank you for putting up with me, expecially latley, when i've been bitchy, annoying, or stubborn. I tend to do that sometimes. Please never forget that I love you 4 with every inch of my heart and soul.
Mood: Undescriable :'(
Music: Guster - Either Way
Posted at 9:06:04 am by x1K5E0G4o
Friday, December 12, 2003
wow. my friends make me cry. not because the upset me, but because I know that no matter how bitchy i am, how shitty im feeling, and how much i say i dont need anyone when i do, they'll be there. I'm crying right now. Jackie and Shea i love you two like you dont even know. My twin and my bro <3 I'd be absolutly lost without you guys. It means so much that you'll always stick by my side, not to many people would do that for me. The tears I'm crying are for the love of you guys and how much you mean to me. Never forget that I'm there for you, too. and that I love you. beyond time.
so after school me and bri went up to Portland to make sure we knew where the State Theater was. Easy as Pie.. i guess. Mapquest<3. It was a long ride though, 1 hour and 20 minutes or so on a three lane highway. I don't think Bri liked driving up there too much, and it was a long drive, so I feel horriable. I don't want her to have to feel obligated to driving me to these places. I feel like its my fault. Prolly cuz it is my fault.
I can't get enough of this song. Better Than Ezra - At The Stars. Howie did a cover of it so i decided to d/l the real thing and i can't stop listening to it <33.
I need to keep busy this weekend or else im only going to get more depressed. However, my only source of happiness that keeps me busy on the weekends in in the Bahamas until Sunday night:( So looks like I wont be very happy this week. Maybe I'll just sleep my life away. Or something, idk. idc anymore. I'm too hard on myself:(
Mood: Crying:'(
Music: Better Than Ezra - At The Stars x 4
Posted at 7:25:16 pm by x1K5E0G4o
Thursday, December 11, 2003
ugh. this sucks. please dont go around and tell me that things will get better. You dont know how I feel. No one does. I can't tell anyone what I'm feeling cuz I'm not so sure what they mean. I don't need anyone's sympathy. I'm used to being by myself and I can deal with this. I've dealt with so much more than this on my own. You can only being to imagine.
i feel as if no one knows me anymore. I dont really talk to anyone about my feelings, and I'm afraid to open up. I have trust issues, this i know and i think other people know, and i've been hurt and betrayed by too many people in the past. This is coming back to haunt me.
all this college shit has got me stressed out like you wouldnt imagine. Why do you have to choose what your gonna do for the rest of your life when your 16. BS.. thats what I say.
I havent hit rock bottom yet, but its coming. Its only a matter of time. Yah, i was happy. But i guess my happiness doesnt last long. Just get me through these next 7 days and I'll be fine. I'll garuntee you'll see a smile on my face next Friday night
Mood: Depressed:'(
Music: The Thrills - Big Sur
Posted at 6:18:15 pm by x1K5E0G4o
Wednesday, December 10, 2003
i couldnt go to sleep til you came in
alright.. today was.. interesting.. to say the least. I had to take the bus home today, and driving through down-town, across from George n Ed's, someone shot the bus window w/ a BB gun and it shattered. Not good. Luckly theres another bus that goes to my stop so I hopped on that one. I'm a lucky bastard, i know. I hope everyone else got home alright.
so other than that nothing really went on. Jake, being the smart kid he is, stapled his bookcover to his book. That could def. be a problem. We have huge maps to color in, for no reason really. I ran around school w/ Heather like an idiot trying to deliver stuff for yearbook. Mr. Wintje still has no heat, so his room was freezing this morning like it has been the past few days. n Mr. Ingalls isnt gonna be here 2morrow! That makes me day:)
I fell asleep at 7:00 last nigth and slept til 3:30 straight. From then til 5:45 i slept on and off. It was nice, now im just overtired i think.
well thats all for now..
Bobby vs. Tommy.. fight soon to come. Bobby make sure I'm here to see that
Mood: Happy:-D
Music: John Mayer - New Deep
Posted at 3:44:25 pm by x1K5E0G4o
Tuesday, December 09, 2003
take this better pill, its easy to swallow
wow I am offically the dumbest person I know, for multiple reasons.
1.) I just looked at my entry from yesterday and it said "now=sucked" i know my tenses, i swear
2.) My history paper was 10 pages long and i need to shoot myself
3.) I can't count, and there are multiple reasons for that one im not gonna get into
4.) I'm dixlexic
5.) I can't spell dixlexic
there are many more to that should be added to that list, but ive had enough of making fun of myself for the time being, there will be more opprotunities later.
so today was ok.. i guess. Nothing exciting really, which means nothing to write about.
this is another short entry.. im slacking huh? either that or im just boring. one of the two.. maybe both. It's hard to know
Mood: Okay:)
Music: Guster - Ramona
Posted at 4:00:15 pm by x1K5E0G4o
Monday, December 08, 2003
and i can feel its on your mind, talk to me
alright, this is gonna be the shortest entry done by me known to man
school = sucked
after school = sucked
now = sucked
now= typing up my history essay
queston of the day = why does it only snow on the weekends?
Mood: Lazy:[
Music: Howie Day - Lick My Lips
Posted at 4:58:50 pm by x1K5E0G4o
Sunday, December 07, 2003
so here I am, listening to the Josh Kelley CD on windows media player watching the "Trilogy II: Musical Sine" thing going along with the music and eating left over chinese food for breakfast. I'm excited to see Howie and Guster preform, Bri and I are taking a ride up to Portland Friday, hopefully, to make sure we know where were going. The tickets are general admission, so hopefully we'll get there early enough to get really good spots, like we did for O.A.R. I gotta make her a couple CDs, too. I'll do it after my 1000 songs, not kidding either, are done downloading. You don't even want to know. but yah, its going to be a fun time, I've got my camera ready. Only 11 more days:-DOther concerts i wanna get tickets to: Josh Kelley, John Mayer, Jason Mraz, Gavin DeGraw, Guster, Howie Day, O.A.R. mm hmm.. cant see them enough, right? Yah, well once i have my license and a car and a job, we'll start saving for these things. That could take awhile. better to start sooner than later.
so last nigth was a pretty boring day, not a whole lot went on. I was snowed in all day so i didn't even shower. i felt pretty gross. I'll def. shower today. asap. im feeling a little bit better, kidneys are okay. Cranberry juice does the trick <33. i have a sore throat tho, and i cant stop coughing. great, its gonna be a long winter. speaking of winter its snowing like crazy outside. The road coming in here isnt plowed, and my dad left the the store about 15 minutes ago and his tire tracks are already almost completly covered. I'd go out and "play" in the snow, but its too cold for my liking. I'm cold-blooded as it is, remember. Not like this house isnt cold enough since my dad doesnt like to turn the heat on above 60. I have layers on.
we'll thats pretty much all. I'm done whining and bitching. keep snowing so theres no school 2morrow <33
Mood: Entertained :-P
Music: Josh Kelley - Old Time Memory
Posted at 11:31:41 am by x1K5E0G4o
Saturday, December 06, 2003
the end is the beginning and every point between some are lost.. some are lont
i just woke up, and the first thing i hear/see is Howie on VH1:) gonna be a good day now..
i don't feel good, really. Last night was a hell of a lot worse. I think im getting another kidney infection, not good. its the most painful thing i've even had to go through. I'm gonna have to go to the doctors and get big ass pills again:( im getting all stuffed up and my throat hurts. I can't stop sneexzing or coughing. It's awful! I dont wanna be sick, I hate being sick.
i had the worst dream last night. It was about Bri calling me a bitch and all this other stuff behind my back. I was kinda upset about it when i first woke up, even if it was only a dream.
so im stuck in my house today, dont plan on going anywhere. I love snow. Skiing.. right Ali? haha gonna be kick ass:) ilu *big sis*
this semester is almost over:( its gonna suck.. i love the people in my classes. Yes, Ashleigh is pretty funny, and Deb really cool. We have some good laughs in History, dont we? Jaye we know your jelous that you dont sit back there with us. Luckily, we do sit in the back so no one can see us making fun of certian people who sit next we each other, not naming any names. Hopefully i'll have more people in my classes next semester that can make me laugh as hard as they can!
well thats about all, im gonna go chug water to try to clear my kidneys. and sleep. I only slept for 12.5 hours straight last night.
Mood: In Pain :'(
Music: Howie Day - Perfect Time Of Day on VH1
Posted at 9:23:24 am by x1K5E0G4o
Friday, December 05, 2003
im drunk off your kiss for another night in a row
i attempted to change the layout again.. we'll see if the colors get fucked again or whatnot.
today was a good day. Its about time for everything to take a change for the better, its been quite a long time. Yah, weird feelings i havent had in such a long time are coming back. And this time, I actually like it. I'm growing as a person and I know how to handle it now. I'm not saying that anything will happen with these feelings, but you never know right? a girl can dream...
so after school i went over to Kelley's before we went shopping. She called Jeff and i talked to him. He was so enthusiastic with his "hello". haha.. he seems like a really cool kid, I'm glad Kel's happy:) Kel.. this one just might be giraffe stamp worthy;) Jeffrey the Giraffe haha.. So around 3:30 or so we left for the Lilac Mall.. what a happening place. Poor Dan and Eliza were standing outside, freezing im sure, tagging for band. Me and Kel went off to K-Mart since were K-Mart shoppers and all. and dollar depot:) and we buy out christmas cards in bulk. haha. I got what i went for.. my camera for Howie + Guster:) I'm so ecited, but Bri really isn't. I dont know if she's going just cuz i want to go so bad, or if she actually wants to go herself. I dont want her to go just cuz i wanna.. i'd feel bad:( but we'll see..
i was just going to say something and now I forget. Good going me! It'll come back to me at some point.. untile then im gonna go eat my KFC:)
14 Days Boys n Girls!
Mood: Cheerful:)
Music: Gavin DeGraw - Just Friends
Posted at 7:24:09 pm by x1K5E0G4o
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At the end of the day, I'm gonna say what I mean. It's slipping all away away. At the end of out days, we'll escape
did you lose yourself? did you lose health? did you put my memories on the shelf?
Contact Me
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