Tuesday, November 04, 2003
some day ill fly, some day ill sore, someday ill be something more
today wasnt such a bad day. whens the last time u heard me say that? school been getting better slowly, another first. french has been fun, i love the kids in my class, they're fucking awesome. Colin i'm sorry about your cocksaki or whatever it is lol. Vendredi (friday) were cooking crépes! im so extremley excited cuz my crépes come out fucking awesome:-P ask anyone in my class last year, besides Brandmont cuz he almost died:( Sorry Brandmont! Me and Natalie are making chocolate mousse and chocolate cups too, cuz were over acheviers. lol.. une petite fête! I've actually been understanding the algebra for a change, thank god Ingalls is giving us some sort of notes. better than nothing. My test grades are still not very good, my last one was a 59:-/ ouch. But i've done all my homework and i've gotten 100 on almost all of them, so i should be passing. 2morrow Newton is giving us our term paper assigments, which im wicked nervous about. I have absolutly no idea what its on. It had to be 3-4 pages, which i'll have no problem with. She says i'm a good writer, but its just the fact that this is a big grade and it has to be done just right, she can't stop stressing that. Yearbooks been slow. I've finished assignments that are due 2 weeks from now. I just need to call and sell ads. Wont be too too difficult to do.
poor Dan, taking honors biology with Sully. I didnt take honors, and i didnt have Sully, but i'll do what I can to help. Bio sucked pretty bad, good luck with that.
im in love with Howie Day and Jason Mraz. mm hmm.. goood music. and Jamie Oliver is wicked hot.. lol food channel... and he has a british accent which makes me want to melt.
i saw Shea after school today and i got a hug:) it made me feel better. <ilu333
i need this 4 day weekend more than anything. i've been stressed and it'll give me a little bit of a chance to catch up on things. 4 days off from school and 6 days away from Mr. Ingalls.. what could be better?
AND 2MORROWS EARLY RELEASE!! yipee! but were not going to get pizza.. too much other stuff going on with everyone, so if u wanna do sumthin lemme know;)
Posted at 4:05:04 pm by x1K5E0G4o
Monday, November 03, 2003
and you wont feel a thing and you wont recall anything at all
i hate my life.. with a passion. between school, my dad, and my so-called "friends" my world has been flipped upside down. i dont know what to do anymore.
i feel like i can't talk to anyone anymore. Idk, its the little things that people will get mad about so i can't tell them to anyone. So i keep them hidden inside and right now their ready to blow:-/
I know i should keep trying to find happyness, as Shea said, but for the past 3 months i've been depressed and i've tried hard and have nothing to show for it. I have 5 friends, a family i can't stand, and i cry all the time. I can't take this life anymore. I know that once i talk to someone i'll be okay, they'll reassure me of everything, but the next day is a new day. The feelings come back. they always do. I'm so incomplete:(
shea, thanks for trying to cheer me up. You reassure me to not do anything drastic and you're one of the reason i stay here. but you're threats can't make me happy. I appreciate what you do for me, but i can't help but wonder sometimes. It feels like were drifting apart, like were not as close as we have been, and i want that back. i love you, you're like a brother to me, and i dont want to loose you.
bri i appreciate the offer on staying there since my dad and I arent getting along. You know i'd do the same for you, but im sorry for the problems i've caused between you and courtney. I can't help but feel guilty about it. It's my fault.. and i just hope that you two are okay again.
Dan i know we arent the closest of friends, but thanks for trying to cheer me up. You know i'll be here to help you through anything.
Jackie my sweetheart, i love you. thanks for doing all you do, even the little things, to try to get my mind off things. you always know how to make me laugh
Jaye you're one of my closest friends, and i appreciate you caring about me. I'm sorry for anything i've done to piss you off in the past, i know i'm not perfect
i know i may seem happy in school, but im getting tired of hiding from this mask. It's hard to fight back the tears now aday, someday it's just gonna happen and start to flow. And don't continuously ask me whats wrong, it doesnt make things better. You're cheep sympathy doesnt do anything but make me feel even worse for myself. Don't pity me, just move on.
and shea i'm sorry to say, but the depressing music is here to stay
Posted at 6:53:32 pm by x1K5E0G4o
Saturday, November 01, 2003
Spiraling spaces tangled in the morning sun, Touching time trying to find some somewhere
i hate everyone in my life. people piss me off. There is a total of 2 people who are excluded from this, Bri and Dan. They have been the only 2 people willing to hang out with me and actually talk to me. Some people, like Jackie, i dont talk to either, and i miss her and this doesnt apply to her... or Shea. But it does apply to all the people i do talk to in school. I feel used, betrayed, alone. I sit in all my classes by myself. I was pretty upset thursday morning, and stacey was the only people to ask me what was wrong. I constantly sit and listen to all my friends problems because i figure they'll sit and listen and help me, yet they don't. How does that work? I don't even think i have any friends anymore. People talk about me behind my back or lie to my face, or something. all my close friends, like shea and jackie, don't seem that close anymore. Soon i'll have no none. I'll sit at home by myself like i usually do, ill stare at the screen online and no one will IM me. No one will call me. when i kill myself some day no one will notice. no one will care. no one does now anyway. I wish life was like it was last year, i was so happy. I had all the friends i could ever ask for, and now i have none. I miss ali and chip so much, and im gonna miss them when they graduate the end of this year. I don't really talk to them much, but just knowing their so far away is gonna kill me. Maybe i'll be dead before than anyway..
I <3 Bri and Shea.. you two are my best friends, none of this will EVER apply to you:-*
Jackie.. i miss you. i cant wait til you have ur license hunnie
Dan.. thanks for being there:)
and im better now.. ill be okay
Posted at 3:04:03 pm by x1K5E0G4o
Thursday, October 30, 2003
why cant i bring you into my life? what would it take to make you see that im alive
today was extra stressful. two tests, annoying people, not seeing the people who make me happy.. the usual.
i hate school, with a passion. It can't be good that its only october and i dont give a fuck about my grades. they're slipping.. and the extra credit i do isnt good enough (cough mrsfuckingnewton cough) i had two tests today, one I bombed, being Algebra, the other i think i did pretty good, being History. sign in for algebra and maybe yearbook tomorrow. I really need to just hang out this weekend.. but i have to do a crapload of yearbook shit. oh well...
idk what to think anymore. i honestly don't. I'm doing all I can but it just doesnt seem good enough. I've given every once of energy i have and it gets me no where. wtf.. life has never been this bad..
Posted at 3:15:36 pm by x1K5E0G4o
Wednesday, October 29, 2003
so i packed my bags and im on my way, i feel different in a different way
well well well.. what has happened latley. Obviously not alot cuz i would have updated sooner.
i don't want to touch the subject about what happened last night. It's over and done with and it needs to sit for awhile. I dont want to bring it up.
i'm so stressed out from school and everything, physically and emotionally. People drive me crazy and annoy the hell out of me. I feel bad asking people for rides home, so i took the bus home today. It really wasnt as bad cuz Tiff was there to talk to for a lil bit. I dont really talk to anyone anymore, just bri shea dan and every once and awhile jackie. thats pretty much it. In school i talk to Jaye and everyone from soccer, but i dunno. I love Jaye to death, but sometimes i dunno. I really dont appreciate her making fun of my grades in History, even though their good and im proud of them, but its not cool to go and be like "omg she did THIS on the test" to half the class. not cool, it really pisses me off. but oh well, i told her about it so hopefully it'll stop..
i havent eaten much in the past few days. I've been loosing weight as it is and i need to eat. I'm just so stressed with school and what not that i dont have the time.. how pathetic is that? Today.. i ate like 5 fries at lunch.. and one of Jaye's green goldfish. thats it. im hungry but im not.. i dunno.
i miss jackie:( i love her and i miss history and french 2gether. she's getting her license soon though, so hopefully we'll be able to see each other more. In that hot Cherokee of hers;) lol. i cant wait. I'm so glad that her and Shawn are talking again.. date coming up soon? haha.. ilu girl, im happy for you
anyway yah, im tired. and i dont know what else to write.. do this.. (on the bottom click on leave a comment and copy it.. then answer it;) )
1. Give me a nickname and explain why you picked it.
2. Am I loveable?
3. How long have you known me?
4. When and how did we first meet?
5. What was your first impression?
6. Do you still think that way about me now?
7. If I was an ice cream flavor, which would I be and why?
8. Do you think I'll get married?
9. What makes me happy?
10. What makes me sad?
11. What song (if any) reminds you of me?
12. If you could give me anything what would it be?
13. Do you consider me a good friend?
14. When's the last time you saw me?
15. Ever wanted to tell me something but couldn't?
16. Would you make a move on me?
17. Describe me in one word.
18. Do you think our friendship is getting stronger/weaker/or staying the same?
19. Do you feel that you could talk to me about anything and I would listen?
20. Do I cross your mind at least 2 times a day?
Posted at 6:54:52 pm by x1K5E0G4o
Monday, October 27, 2003
the past couple days have been boring.. nothing really went on worth mentioning. I'm pretty much only writing cuz im bored out of my mind.
yesterday my mom and step-dad took me out to eat.. they took me to Uno's.. it was so good:) i love their pizza!
i just carved my pumpkin.. only took me 2 hours or so.. and it looks like shit! oh well.. it'll just end up getting smashed around here anyway.
all this talk about prom and everything has gotten me really upset, and its stressing a lot of people out even though its still months and months away. People are finding dates already and i know i wont find one, but i already bought my dress so i kinda have to go, you know what i mean? I want to go, but not alone, although im sure i'll end up going stag with Jaye anyway. It's gonna be a night about my friends, thats why i dont want a date date, just a friend to go with. eh, well see how that goes
Posted at 9:09:30 pm by x1K5E0G4o
Sunday, October 26, 2003
aint it crazy how I fall everytime you call my name
well the past few days must have been pretty boring cuz i cant remember any of it. we had a soccer game and tied 0-0. it was freezing out.. i have a bruise on my ass from Jenn Bosco and i think i have pnemonia.. good right?
well Friday night we had a party for the JV team at Crystal's house. It was awesome, tons of good laughs and of course good people. This is definatly the best team we've had since my frosh year. i love these girls!
yesterday was Courtney's b-day:) Bri and Dan had a party for her and a lot of people backed out on them the last minute which is bullshit. We didnt really do much, just hung out, watched TV, ate cake and pizza, listening to music. Bri did a little karaoke and Court dressed up in the captain condom suit.. one word.. priceless. me bri court and dan went to vibe later that night. I didnt really want to go but Dan and Courtney were trying to get me to go so i went. I actually had a lot of fun, more fun than I had the last time I went. I hope Court had a good birthday.. she got into vibe for free:-P
today im just sitting around, not gonna do anything. I'm tired and kinda feel blah. I have a lot on my mind and i have a lot of homework to do. and the pats are on....
Posted at 11:37:42 am by x1K5E0G4o
Wednesday, October 22, 2003
all you people on the floor, let me see you dance
today was the same as usual.. same old same old:-/ it was freezing out for soccer. Only one more game.. thank god. We're wearing out shirts 2morrow:-D
i just read Bri's journal about Courntney's party. It kinda pissed me off and kinda made me feel guilty. She's upset that I don't want to go to vibe but i'm sorry that i dont like the place and i dont have fun. Last time we went I felt bad cuz i dont think Bri wasnt having any fun cuz of me, and i dont want to ruin it again. Theres nothing i can do about not wanting to go, you know? i dunno anymore. I know she's doing a lot of it, and i told her i'd help, but i'm guessing thats not even gonna happen:-/ sorry im such a fuck up. I know i can't do anything right latley, but its not like im doing it on purpose. but oh well.. i know she understands and i love her. I'm still going to the party from 4-7, tho. so atleast im doing something, right?
I didn't talk to Shea at all last night. I dont know whats happening between us. I'm not mad at him, but i think he thinks i am. I'm sorry i'm being bitchy latley, I'm just not myself and I know. I'm trying to be as bearable as possiable.
I talked to Robby for a little bit last night, poor kids going through a lot. I'm worried about him. we both appologized for what we did to each other in the past, so were cool now.
soccer game 2morrow vs. memorial.. 4:00! Be There.. or ill be very upset:(
Posted at 7:08:17 pm by x1K5E0G4o
Tuesday, October 21, 2003
cuz we've lost it all, nothing lasts forever, im sorry i cant be perfect
today dragged by.. i felt like shit, i looked like shit, i was a bitch to everyone. Won our soccer game 3-1, so did varsity. only one more game left, 2 more days of soccer and its over with. Everyone better come to the game Thursday, Rec Field @ 4. If you're my friend you'll be there! but wait.. i have no friends anyway..
i had a lot on my mind today. I didnt mean to take it out on people in school but it just kind of happened that way. Can't do anything about it now. I wish people knew how I felt, cuz i can't explain it. I try to act happy and cheerful, but that only makes things worse. Long bus rides on soccer buses leave too much on your mind.. i hate them.
I have the biggest headache right now and I've had one all day. It kind of comes then goes and comes back again. It's near my temples or whatever, but its in the back of my head too. and It pounds. I wish the nurse would give me some tylenol>:-O.
I havent eaten anything much today.. i had some tortilla chips for breakfast and an apple after school. Thats all.. they'res nothing else to eat and im starving.. ahh
World Series Game is on and I still have homework to do so I just might to that, maybe eat, then go to bed! loong night ahead of me..
Posted at 8:57:02 pm by x1K5E0G4o
Monday, October 20, 2003
i've waited so long to say this to you, if ur asking do i love you this much? i do...
i've been crying all night,, it's hard constantly thinking about these emotions and it's hands down the worst thing i have ever experienced. I hate feeling this way. seriously, i don't think anyone knows the extent of it. Do you really think you know how lonely I feel? I bet you don't, even if you say you do, but you really dont have the vaguest idea. It's like a giant chip on my shoulder, i feel like i've cried more than i've ever cried before in this past hour.
i don't know what to say anymore. I can't talk to Shea about anything, i dont know. He makes me feel guilty about everything I say and i know hes fed up with me. I feel like such a burden to him and bri because i constantly complain, and sometimes i dont realize it until after the fact. the both tell me thats its no big deal, but i feel horriable and guilty and that they're getting annoyed with me. I mean who wouldn't? I'm sick of myself.
My life is falling apart in front of me and i feel like i can't do anything about it. I have no friends, my school work is steadily going downhill. I cry constantly over the littlest things. The people closest to me make me cry, i feel bad for myself, i can only imagine how bad they feel for me.
soccer occupies so much of my time, i can only imagine how bad things are gonna get once its over and i have even more free time to myself. I am so suicidal right now, im just scared. I never thought things could get this bad, but i was so wrong. This year has been horriable, i havent been happy in such a long time, i dont remember what its like.
someone please help me out here, take your gun and shoot me in the head. Its all i'll ever ask for. Posted at 8:58:54 pm by x1K5E0G4o
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At the end of the day, I'm gonna say what I mean. It's slipping all away away. At the end of out days, we'll escape
did you lose yourself? did you lose health? did you put my memories on the shelf?
Contact Me
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