Sunday, October 26, 2003
aint it crazy how I fall everytime you call my name
well the past few days must have been pretty boring cuz i cant remember any of it. we had a soccer game and tied 0-0. it was freezing out.. i have a bruise on my ass from Jenn Bosco and i think i have pnemonia.. good right?
well Friday night we had a party for the JV team at Crystal's house. It was awesome, tons of good laughs and of course good people. This is definatly the best team we've had since my frosh year. i love these girls!
yesterday was Courtney's b-day:) Bri and Dan had a party for her and a lot of people backed out on them the last minute which is bullshit. We didnt really do much, just hung out, watched TV, ate cake and pizza, listening to music. Bri did a little karaoke and Court dressed up in the captain condom suit.. one word.. priceless. me bri court and dan went to vibe later that night. I didnt really want to go but Dan and Courtney were trying to get me to go so i went. I actually had a lot of fun, more fun than I had the last time I went. I hope Court had a good birthday.. she got into vibe for free:-P
today im just sitting around, not gonna do anything. I'm tired and kinda feel blah. I have a lot on my mind and i have a lot of homework to do. and the pats are on....
Posted at 11:37:42 am by x1K5E0G4o
Wednesday, October 22, 2003
all you people on the floor, let me see you dance
today was the same as usual.. same old same old:-/ it was freezing out for soccer. Only one more game.. thank god. We're wearing out shirts 2morrow:-D
i just read Bri's journal about Courntney's party. It kinda pissed me off and kinda made me feel guilty. She's upset that I don't want to go to vibe but i'm sorry that i dont like the place and i dont have fun. Last time we went I felt bad cuz i dont think Bri wasnt having any fun cuz of me, and i dont want to ruin it again. Theres nothing i can do about not wanting to go, you know? i dunno anymore. I know she's doing a lot of it, and i told her i'd help, but i'm guessing thats not even gonna happen:-/ sorry im such a fuck up. I know i can't do anything right latley, but its not like im doing it on purpose. but oh well.. i know she understands and i love her. I'm still going to the party from 4-7, tho. so atleast im doing something, right?
I didn't talk to Shea at all last night. I dont know whats happening between us. I'm not mad at him, but i think he thinks i am. I'm sorry i'm being bitchy latley, I'm just not myself and I know. I'm trying to be as bearable as possiable.
I talked to Robby for a little bit last night, poor kids going through a lot. I'm worried about him. we both appologized for what we did to each other in the past, so were cool now.
soccer game 2morrow vs. memorial.. 4:00! Be There.. or ill be very upset:(
Posted at 7:08:17 pm by x1K5E0G4o
Tuesday, October 21, 2003
cuz we've lost it all, nothing lasts forever, im sorry i cant be perfect
today dragged by.. i felt like shit, i looked like shit, i was a bitch to everyone. Won our soccer game 3-1, so did varsity. only one more game left, 2 more days of soccer and its over with. Everyone better come to the game Thursday, Rec Field @ 4. If you're my friend you'll be there! but wait.. i have no friends anyway..
i had a lot on my mind today. I didnt mean to take it out on people in school but it just kind of happened that way. Can't do anything about it now. I wish people knew how I felt, cuz i can't explain it. I try to act happy and cheerful, but that only makes things worse. Long bus rides on soccer buses leave too much on your mind.. i hate them.
I have the biggest headache right now and I've had one all day. It kind of comes then goes and comes back again. It's near my temples or whatever, but its in the back of my head too. and It pounds. I wish the nurse would give me some tylenol>:-O.
I havent eaten anything much today.. i had some tortilla chips for breakfast and an apple after school. Thats all.. they'res nothing else to eat and im starving.. ahh
World Series Game is on and I still have homework to do so I just might to that, maybe eat, then go to bed! loong night ahead of me..
Posted at 8:57:02 pm by x1K5E0G4o
Monday, October 20, 2003
i've waited so long to say this to you, if ur asking do i love you this much? i do...
i've been crying all night,, it's hard constantly thinking about these emotions and it's hands down the worst thing i have ever experienced. I hate feeling this way. seriously, i don't think anyone knows the extent of it. Do you really think you know how lonely I feel? I bet you don't, even if you say you do, but you really dont have the vaguest idea. It's like a giant chip on my shoulder, i feel like i've cried more than i've ever cried before in this past hour.
i don't know what to say anymore. I can't talk to Shea about anything, i dont know. He makes me feel guilty about everything I say and i know hes fed up with me. I feel like such a burden to him and bri because i constantly complain, and sometimes i dont realize it until after the fact. the both tell me thats its no big deal, but i feel horriable and guilty and that they're getting annoyed with me. I mean who wouldn't? I'm sick of myself.
My life is falling apart in front of me and i feel like i can't do anything about it. I have no friends, my school work is steadily going downhill. I cry constantly over the littlest things. The people closest to me make me cry, i feel bad for myself, i can only imagine how bad they feel for me.
soccer occupies so much of my time, i can only imagine how bad things are gonna get once its over and i have even more free time to myself. I am so suicidal right now, im just scared. I never thought things could get this bad, but i was so wrong. This year has been horriable, i havent been happy in such a long time, i dont remember what its like.
someone please help me out here, take your gun and shoot me in the head. Its all i'll ever ask for. Posted at 8:58:54 pm by x1K5E0G4o
Sunday, October 19, 2003
^^ haha don't ask.. its physco dot.. "officer dot" lol..
i woke up at 7:30 this morning to 3 husky's crap and piss all over the floor.. gooooood. me and jackie had fun tho, im still covered in dog hair.
i came home around 12:30 and did some homework, watched the pats game, and just kinda layed around. My phish food ice cream made me feel kinda sick but im fine now.
overall i had a pretty good weekend, minus tonight. me and bri are brainstorming prom dates for me, but shea is upset again and wont tell me why. I take so much time out of my day to try to cheer him up but i never feel like it works and i dont know why i even bother anymore. Yah, i love that kid to death, but i don't feel like he appreciates it. He's always there for me when i need him, and im thankful, but all im trying to do is be there for him. I don't know anymore..
if i dont find a prom date and neither does Jaye were gonna go together, girl's night out and i wont be so stressed out and nervous. outta be a good night either way:-D
Marilin's and Yank's are on in a bout an hour so im gonna go get some food, finish watching the football game, then watch the baseball game:) night all
Posted at 7:07:42 pm by x1K5E0G4o
Saturday, October 18, 2003
hanging out with my sistah:-D
right how i'm over Lisa's house wth Jackie.. were house-sitting cuz the huskys can't be left alone. I'm lucky to still be alive! lol they're so hyperactive, i think they're gonna eat me:-/
so yah, last night was not a good night, but shea thanks for talking me out of things. if it wasnt for you i would have killed myself a few times already lol. ilu w/ all my heart:-D
school yesterday was alright, we had a sub for history. The last half an ohour we went down to watch Senator Kerry's daughter talk about his campain for president. Kerry 4 Prez! lol.
we had a soccer game yesterday and we won 2-0. we played Londonderry at home. Thanks to Colin for being such a loyal fan. lol. you're about the only one who comes to watch. We played alright.. Nikki scored:-D bout time girl.. congrats on that one. And good job hitting yourself in the eye, that was priceless:-P Kyle sure like it haha
this morning were the PSATs.. i dont think i did too well. Good thing they're only practice. I had some good ppl in my room, Sami, and Sam, Colin, Jetty, Lyssa, Kittie, Brit, Amy, K10... good stuff.
yah.. thats about all. HOME GAME NEXT THURSDAY vs. MEMORIAL ( i think) 4:00.. last game of the season so you all better be there!
Posted at 5:00:27 pm by x1K5E0G4o
Friday, October 17, 2003
if only this house had a gun
suicidal thoughts running through my brain...
i wish someone cared:'(
Posted at 7:58:21 pm by x1K5E0G4o
Thursday, October 16, 2003
i've been crying for you, waiting for you all this time
school was alright. Ingalls let everyone finish their tests in math today, but added on 2 more pages. Ouch, definatly think i failed:-/
soccer today, working on shooting a little bit, thank god. Nikki and I are gonna head out to the field early 2morrow to work on it some more cuz were sick of missing out shots. But when we scrimmaged each other I scored 3 times.. not too shabby.
bri, im sorry, yet again, for everything thats going on in your life.. you know i'll be here for you. I know you're hoping that we'll hang out more and I'm sure we will, soccer's over a week from today and i'll have my license soon;) i love you babes.
Sox and Yanks on 2night.. Game 7.. BRING IT! haha.. and i have a shitload of homework to do in the next 1.5 hours, I should prolly get started..
HOME GAME 2MORROW vs. LONDONDERRY.. 4:00.. REC FIELD.. GET UR ASS DOWN THERE AND WATCH!! :-D
Posted at 6:37:16 pm by x1K5E0G4o
Wednesday, October 15, 2003
since the moment I spotted you, i've been walking around with little wings on my shoes, my stomache's filled with the butterflys, oh and its alright
i just typed this whole entire thing out.. then some pop up ad came up and erased it all.. this was one hell of a long entry too...
so school today wasnt all that bad. I talked to Troy again for the first time in what seems like forever. I want to buy his Jeep from him, but he can't find a truck and i dont have $3,500.. donations will be accepted:-P hes such a cool kid, im happy him and Shawna are together:) i didnt get to finish my algebra test today, i only had a couple problems left but still, their 5 points a peice:-/ oh well, im not the only who didnt finish. and since this was a makeup test he's taking the highest grade, so hopefully i'll get above a 73...
i talked to bri for a lil while last night. i wish there was something more i could do for her, but all she really wants is space so i'll have to give that to her. I know exactly what she's going through cuz i've gone through it before and im kinda going through it now. I feel that i do so much for my friends and i get nothing in return, not even a "thank you". i really just need to stand up for myself and say "no" but its hard when they're my friends. Every one always says that you should put youself and you problems in front of everyone elses, but i never do. Its never been that way for me. I really need to start though. People always say they'll be there for me because im always there for them, but they're not. Bri, Shea, and Jackie are the only 3 people that have been there for me to talk to the last 2 months. If i didnt have them, i'd probably die. Jackie is a sweetheart and im so glad were not fighting anymore. When she was mad at me for the stupid thing i did i was sad and depressed, not just because of that, but it added to it. Shea is like a brother to me, and i dont know what in the world i would do without him, honestly. I never thought that me and him would become so close, but we have. He's one of my best friends and i love him so much. Bri, is one exception. I will always put her problems in front of mine, no matter whats going on in my life. When she's upset, i'm upset with her. She's like a sister to me and i never want to ruin the friendship we've created over these years. We've grown apart, but we'll always be close. She is like the sister i never had, and she does so much for me. She's going through a lot right now, and i feel like i add to her stress. She says that she does alot for people and it seems like they don't appreciate it. She does a lot for me, and i do appreciate it, but i dont know if she knows that. She's upset with a lot of people, and i havent been myself latley, and sometimes i can't help but think she's upset with me, too. She tells me she's not, but how can I be so sure, you know? I'd do so much for her, i would die for her, i'd do anything for her, more that she'll ever know. I love her so much, shes best the best friend anyone could ever ask for, and im sorry that she doesnt feel the same.. and now im crying. People don't understand and I dont know if they ever will. Why i bother, i dont know.
so yah, bri was sick today. I wish i had my license cuz i would have gone over her house and brang her soup and maybe a movie or something, but i dont so i couldnt:( kinda sucks but what can you do right? i'll make it up to her somehow..
im so sick of school and soccer, only 3 more games left and 4 more practices. By this time Thursday night soccer will be finished for another year. my school work is falling behind, im lazy and tired and sore and just want to sleep all day long, and i need to take a day off of school. With the classes i have i'll prolly fall behind but its a risk im willing to take..
Posted at 4:08:48 pm by x1K5E0G4o
Tuesday, October 14, 2003
is there anyone out there cuz its getting harder and harder to breathe
I just got home from my soccer game maybe 20 minutes ago. We played in Pinkerton. Both teams lost 3-0.. nothing new latley. I didnt get yelled at too much, which is a plus. And 2morrow is Early Release which means.. no practice! :-D 2morrow Kirsten, Audra, Jaye, maybe Abby, and I are going to get lunch after school. We have C1 lunch and really dont want to eat at 9 AM.. thats breakfast! papa gino's i think? mmm
nothing new really happened today, same thing over and over again. I thought that my life was stressful, until I read Bri's journal. poor girl is going through so much and shes trying to do so many things at once. And shes getting sick on top of it. I wish there was something that I could do, but i think whats best is just give her her time alone, since she doesnt have much time to herself. She knows i <3 her:-*
This weekend im spending both Saturday and Sunday with Jackie:-D gonna be a fun time. I miss hanging out with that girl, im just scared that her mom hates me, cuz of what happened. Not gonna get into that one.
im falling behind in my school work so much. I'm suffering. I just cant wait until soccer is OVER and DONE with, thats gonna be so nice:) only 3 more games and 4 more practices. Let the countdown begin!
Posted at 7:47:32 pm by x1K5E0G4o
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At the end of the day, I'm gonna say what I mean. It's slipping all away away. At the end of out days, we'll escape
did you lose yourself? did you lose health? did you put my memories on the shelf?
Contact Me
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